You Do Not Have to Conquer the Doubt Demons, Fear Fences and Paralyzing Plateaus Alone…Even the Lone Ranger had his Side-Kick, Tonto

Don’t Just Make Another Resolution: Make a Commitment – to Yourself!

Each New Year – we all feel goaded into making resolutions which we tend to promptly break.  To me, resolve rhymes with dissolve – and that seems to be what happens to these great intentions.  It doesn’t mean we are weak or inadequate.  It may mean we are not really committed to the outcome we say we intend to make happen.  Maybe the outcome isn’t the one we really want to make – maybe our heart really isn’t into it – or maybe we are going in the wrong direction – or maybe we are taking too big a step all at once.  Maybe what we really need to do is to get clear on who we are and where we want to go.

Things change.  New opportunities rise up.  The global community that we live in produces so many new ideas and innovations that were not even thought of a few years ago.  Jobs come and go.  People come and go.  Challenges come and go.  The one constant is YOU.  You will always have you – and that can be a great thing.  Now, I’m not telling you that you have to go out into our big world all alone.  I believe in connections and side-kicks.  But these connections and side-kicks do not always have to be the same exact ones throughout your journey.  They, too, may come and go.  The wonderful thing – and yes, sometimes scary feeling – is that we are individuals who are responsible for our own happiness.  Whether you prefer to rely on spiritual guidance or self-help gurus – you are still the person who is ultimately responsible for your life.

You are your own life builder or life entrepreneur.  The great news is that once you accept the fact that you are the one with the reins in your hands, you can guide your own horse.  You can establish who you are – your own personal brand – and decide what you want to do and choose In-Power-Meant.  There may be challenges that need to be conquered or overcome – but you can do that.  It is much easier to work through challenges when you know why you are doing so.  Thus knowing your “why” or the real purpose or reason for taking a particular path on your ride helps toughen up your courage and strength.  Creating the most productive and enjoyable journey can be enhanced by utilizing tools and systems – whether that be a compass or a map to follow or certain snacks to sustain your ride.  Having a bit of structure with anticipated rewards or respite can help you stay on course.

So instead of continuing to be just another rat on a wheel like the majority of folks each New Year, I would like to make a suggestion.  This New Year (or any time you find yourself facing a transition), try committing to yourself instead of resolving to try to do something.

1. Take some time alone – just for yourself – to really think, meditate, daydream, or fantasize.  What do you want to do with your life?  What hopes and dreams do you have?  What projects or ambitions do you really want to accomplish?  Figure out what you stand for – what your Personal Life Brand is – who you really are? Make it positive and present tense.  Aim for concise statements that can be rehearsed or repeated such as an affirmation or an elevator speech.  That way you can retain it as a tool for future use.
2. Choose ONE thing that you really want to do.  Just one.  You don’t have to try to do something colossal or ginormous.  Just something that may have been hidden away – or tucked away until the right time or until some future time.  Now can be that time if you choose so.
3. Set up a success system – or set of tools, guide rails, structure to rely on.  Maybe you print out your Success Planner and pop it into an inspiring new notebook – maybe you clear out old files to make room for new ones – or maybe you start a brand new journal.
4. Create a list of your favorite rewards or moments of respite.  Try to list as many as possible so you can always find something that will be workable into whatever situation you may find yourself.  Maybe create a vision board to help remind yourself of things you love and things you want to have or create.
5. Set small goals or baby steps you can take to help you overcome a challenge or to achieve a certain outcome.  Along with the baby steps – specify the rewards or respite that will come along with attainment – but don’t make it counter-productive.  In other words, don’t reward yourself with a big piece of chocolate cake for making it for one day without eating any junk food.
6. Carve out a little bit of time for yourself regularly – whether it is you having to get up 10 minutes earlier, during a work break or just before retiring for the night. This time is to review, reward, and refocus your efforts.  Do not beat yourself up for missteps or slip-ups.  We all fall off our horses at times.  The trick is to get back into the saddle to ride just a little farther.

Making a commitment to yourself – rather than making another resolution – will help you actually proceed forward on your journey.  So much so that when you look back at your progress, you will likely amaze yourself!

See ya’ on down the Trail!

Relationships and Connections – Stay True to Your Own Brand

Human Beings need other Beings to really be human.  Maybe you’re like many of us and point to John Wayne – “The Duke” – and some of the old westerns to refute this point.  The solitary figure that rides off into the sunset – the rugged individualist – the conservative viewpoint.

Americans have been raised to accept the fact that we should all be able to do what we need to do without anyone else’s help.

“If you really want to get something done, do it yourself!”   That’s all well and good but I suggest that if you take a closer look, you will see that’s just not true.  Oh, sure – you can point to many famous folks and when you hear their stories, you may hear that they had it rough and pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and all that – but I still say – there was someone that helped – that connected – that inspired them.  It may have been a parent, a teacher, a coach, or a friend – but someone somewhere made a difference for these pillars of society.

One can only get so far all on one’s own.

I think of Denzel Washington – coming from his tough background and becoming a mega-star and uber-wealthy – you know he had to fight a lot of battles to get where he is and he has.  But we also find out he was part of the Boys Club of America.  Do you think that he may have found help there?

But I know, there are still those out there who feel they don’t need anyone for anything…the “John Waynes” or “Lone Rangers” of the world…and that is fine.  I get it.  But I just want to point out that John Wayne still needed his horse and the Lone Ranger had Tonto!

Relationships and connections to another being are extremely important.   It just takes one person to take a positive interest in a child to make all the difference in the world for that kid.  And for that matter, sometimes it takes a different unconditional loving being – like a dog to help a child open up.  Research shows that some of the best therapy for healing from a traumatic event is the acceptance and loving relationships of others.  It has also been shown that just one person – intervening for another being bullied – can change the situation.  One other being can make a big difference.

Making a difference is important to most folks that I encounter.  We have our passions and drives but many of us struggle to figure out the best way to use these powerful energies for the greater good.  (I highly recommend doing volunteer work as an option.)  I believe this is when we need to become very aware of all that is around us and be alert to opportunities that are presented to us.  (It’s the Little things that lead to the Big things.)  We may run into someone or a group of someones who are doing something that interests us.   Or we may happen upon a challenge or need that we feel must be addressed.

And the relationships and connections that we have or that we gain from venturing into these new adventures can help boost us into a comfortable position to be able to ride on to make great things happen.

I have found this in my own latest undertaking with the foundation that I work for.  In fact, one of the greatest things about the position – besides knowing I can make a difference for others who need me – is the opportunity to meet some amazing people.

I had the great fortune to be granted an opportunity to meet with an amazing individual who runs a major, well-known non-profit organization in South Florida.  His ultimate mission is to make dreams come true for children in need.  Just speaking with him on the phone for a brief minute I could hear the light in his voice.  His joy and passion for what he does was even more evident when we met in person.  Mr. W took time out of his very demanding schedule to spend time with me and to answer my questions.  One of the impressions that struck me very strongly is the self-assuredness of the man.  He was definitely in alignment with his values and was confident and comfortable in his purpose.  It made even more sense during our discussion about the importance of “Branding” for an organization.  (Now, don’t become confused  – I don’t mean branding in the sense of livestock.)

As you may know, branding for an organization is important to help others become aware of the organization and to help the organization become familiar and then recognized and share-able to others.

Branding is a huge part of building a trustworthy reputation.

Well, Mr. W took this idea further by explaining that he educated his staff on the importance of branding even to the extent of making them aware of how their own actions affect the organization’s brand.  That was an issue that I was well aware of.  But Mr. W. took the issue farther.  He also explained that an organization can affect our own branding – meaning our own personal character and values.  We are each our own “Brand.”

Being part of an organization or group that negatively affects our personal brand can be unhealthy.

He gave the example of the CEO’s relationship with a board.  If the CEO is expected to reach certain objectives but is not granted the tools and support to do so, then the relationship is dysfunctional.    It is not only unhealthy for the organization as goals and missions will not be accomplished, but the stress that is caused to the CEO as he fights against the alignment of his own branding (as he tries to make himself accept less than the quality of work that he prides himself on) can manifest in physical, emotional, and psychological destruction.   So in essence – he was sharing the importance of staying true to one’s self.

My mind went to so many high profile cases that hurt so many people because folks did not stay true to their branding or moral compass and allowed a mob mentality or group-think mindset to influence their actions.  The most recent example is playing out with the alleged abuse scandal at Penn State. Joe Paterno, Legend and Head Football Coach, and the University President have both been fired and the shock and outrage that has erupted almost drowns out the true essence of the tragedy.   Simply put – wrong was done (or allegedly done) and not enough was done about the wrong.

Mr. W’s advice resounded in my head as I faced stressful challenges the very next day after meeting with him.  Sometimes we feel as if we are the only ones who really care or understand what needs to be done to make things happen.  We are given objectives and goals that we agree with and know we can accomplish given the right support and tools.  Sometimes we end up taking on the weight of the world and throw ourselves into our work too much – we become so driven and emotionally attached to outcomes that we can allow the challenges or lack of support to stress us out to the point of becoming ineffective.  This ineffectiveness can damage the work or organization as well as ourselves.   So what I had to do was to step back, evaluate the situation and detach emotionally.  Then I could proceed accordingly with calm.  And yes, that isn’t always easy.  One of the tools that helped was our own Success Planner.  Just reading over the page, filling in the blanks and making my list – helped to ground me again and thus allowed me to realign with my own purpose.

I reminded myself of my ultimate goals and reduced the current challenges to their proper size of “insignificant in the long-run.”

My point is – you can make a difference.  You can actually make a big difference for the greater good – particularly if you allow healthy relationships and connections into your life.  Maybe you can become a volunteer for a cause you believe in.  Or maybe you go to work for an organization that seems to support your own skills and goals.  The relationships and connections that can and will form can be wonderful and nurturing when in alignment with your own “brand.”  But when situations become questionable – take Mr. W’s advice and be true to your own brand.

See you on down the trail!

What Do You Say to Naysayers?

It’s funny – I’m learning to try to relax – don’t panic – and to have faith – in myself and in others.  I think sometimes we start feeling as if we may be wanting too much – or wanting the impossible – or maybe that we are just way off track (according to “Others” or “Them”.)  Maybe we have been programmed to more easily believe in the worst happening rather than the best happening.  And whether you believe in the American Ideal of rugged individualism or the connectedness of everyone – you must realize that both instances require input from You. 

YOU are the one who can make or break/brake your own goals and dreams.  Breaking or braking your dreams cannot happen without you allowing it.

I have to admit … I think I live in a fairy tale or my own dream life most of the time.  I remember Anthony Robbins once remarking about how surprised he was when he got out and about around other folks that he normally worked and socialized with – about how negative “Others” could be.  He realized that he worked hard to have positive people around him.  Well, he seems to be doing pretty well with that, wouldn’t you say?  I, too, am rather taken aback when folks realize that I am continuing on with my schooling to obtain another master’s degree and the response is, “Why?!”  At first, I was so surprised and caught off guard that I fumbled and felt myself shrinking as I tried to give a satisfactory answer.

But then I thought about it and felt that old burr under my saddle pad.

“WHY NOT?!”  Is what I say now when I sense “issues” emanating from a questioning party.

I look at CJ from the CJ Foundation and see him making great strides in his own journey, while attending a regular public high school, in the Advanced Classes, even though he battles “Asperger’s Syndrome”.   I look at my little Mack and puff with pride when people comment about how marvelous he behaves during loud chaotic events (even though I wasn’t sure he would pass his Canine Good Citizen’s test!)  Look at so many people in our everyday who have so many tough challenges but who go on to do great things.

Standing in line at my favorite bookstore (Barnes & Noble), my eyes caught a book titled “Thinking in Pictures – My Life with Autism.”  Of course, I grabbed the book for my own education because of my position with the CJ Foundation for Children in Need.  Then I realized who the author was – Temple Grandin – who I knew from her wonderful animal books such as ”Animals Make Us Human: Creating the Best Life for Animals.”  I had no idea she suffered from autism.  But then, doing more research for a paper on autism, I ran into this tidbit.

“Dr. Grandin is a designer of livestock handling facilities (used world-wide for more humane animal handing) and a Professor of Animal Science at Colorado State University. “   (Note her title – Dr. Grandin)

Well, I was amazed and delighted! 

Here is just another fabulous example of someone overcoming her challenges to pursue her dreams.

So next time you or anyone else asks you why you are doing what you are doing to follow your own dreams – or questions you for following your own dreams at all….

You know what to tell them!  “WHY NOT!”

See you on down the trail!
Janus

Resilience – Are you a Duck or a Brick?

I am always amazed and a bit anxious for those folks who seem to glide through life without any tough times – no trauma – no blood, sweat, or tears – just a smooth perfect ride.  They don’t know trouble – are always the popular ones – have everything they want whenever they want it.  Most folks hate those folks – or maybe hate isn’t the right word – envy.  I fear for them and tend to step back – to prepare to get clear of an explosion that could be very messy.  As I see it, these folks may look like they have it all – and all together – but I have to wonder if they are prepared to handle a bit of the rough stuff.  Instead of riding along on their pretty stationary carousel pony – with roses painted on the mane and a painted-on saddle that will never slip – what if this same person is given a new mount – one that is actually alive – thus responsive and sometimes unpredictable.  What if the perfect person is asked to ride a real horse?

One – would they take that chance?

And two – could they handle it?  Would they dive off at the first sign of imperfection?

It is this type of person who tends to sink like a brick when thrown into the pond.  This is because they have never had to learn resilience or as I like to call it – flex-power.

Taking on the directorship of the small, new foundation – the CJ Foundation for Children in Need – has allowed me to learn about an incredible person.  Just imagine – being very young, very, very smart, but unable to understand communication.  Now, I don’t mean the language – that is tough in itself – but what if you could understand what someone is saying but not what it means – you are unable to “get” the inflections, the facial expressions, the true emotion, the intent.  Now think about the English language and how so many things can mean something and/or just the opposite.  Have you ever sent an email and been surprised that its intended message was received in a manner that completely baffles you?  What if you could see but not read a person’s social cues?  How frustrating would that be – especially for a person with a genius IQ.  So much is going on inside but how can it come out if you can’t function well with communication and social cues?  This is just a hint of the condition known as “Aspberger’s.”

Now try to imagine you are a very young boy, without any friends, who is being raised by a single mother, who is dying of cancer.  Then when Mom dies, big brother has to go through all kinds of battles to keep you with his family – including fighting for custody and fighting to make the school take you in because you tend to be disruptive because you can’t communicate well and are socially imperfect.  And once this whole battle seems won – even though big brother’s wife left him due to all the turmoil – you think you may be able to get to a place of stability and big brother ends up in a terrible accident and you are shipped off to another part of the country to live with an Aunt and Uncle whom you barely know (along with their passel of kids).  By this time, you are hitting your teen years – hormone city – and being sent to a strange place – Florida – where there are strange people of all different sizes, shapes, colors, and cultures – and you still have this incredible mind that teems with all kinds of ideas and questions and wonder but you still can’t function in society – especially a totally new and rather foreign one.

Well, you just had a peek into CJ Bellingar’s  world.  Yes, he is the CJ of the CJ Foundation – and I can’t begin to do his story justice.  Most folks would want to crumble or maybe would crumble at living through just part of CJ’s life and the trauma and the crises that have come from it. CJ is definitely a duck.  He can ride out storms and bob back up to the surface.

The old saying that children are so resilient that trauma does not affect them is just not true.  Studies show that trauma makes a mark.  It has been evidenced that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is much more prevalent in all types and ages of people.  It is not just a problem for members of our Military returning from duty.  A perfect example is the tragedy of 9/11 – now 10 years later, people are still deeply affected.  I stopped by my favorite bookstore and had to have a coffee while there.  The Barista was noticeably depressed and when I asked him about it, he replied, “9/11.”  That’s all he needed to say because I remembered that he had friends in NY that had been directly affected.  The 10^th anniversary of 9/11 brought a renewed replay of the day and its events.  I know I had a hard time watching it replayed along with all of the memorial ceremonies – and I was far removed.  I can’t imagine what the folks directly impacted by the tragedy must struggle with.

My point is that almost everyone has been touched in some way or another by traumatic events.  If they haven’t, they will.  

It is how we choose to respond to our situations that will dictate the ultimate outcome of our lives.

It may feel as if events are going to permanently  throw us – or drown us – but they don’t have to.  Resilience may be more innate in some people because of their personality – but it can be taught also.  So if we don’t have it already in us, we sure would be smart to figure out a way to get it!  I believe it is a choice that we can make.  And I am not saying it is easy to rally back – but help is available.

To see someone like CJ, who has had to deal with amazing challenges that most of us will never have to deal with, and who still has the desire to make other people laugh and feel happy, who is not going to receive a dime from the foundation that bears his name but who inspired others to create this foundation and who is also volunteering his own time to help and mentor others…well, what do I have to say?  It is inspiring and humbling and it makes me want to be better, too.  I think we all could learn a thing or two from CJ, don’t you?

So no matter what life may hand you, you have a choice. So I ask you, are you going to be a brick or a duck? It doesn’t matter what you think you may be right this instant.  Notice that I asked what you are going to be. 

Please consider joining us ducks!  Ducks can rise up to make a difference.

See you on down the Trail!

Check your Self Thoughts. Is it Time for an Intervention?

I met an amazing woman recently. Dana Gore is a Certified Fitness Trainer and Coach. Of course, she looks amazing but also, her story is inspiring. You would never know she had been seriously obese and food obsessed, among other things. Now she is beautiful, confident, and looks like she must work-out every day and live on celery and carrots. But she doesn’t. She eats well and works out only 3 days a week – she’s just smart about it. She shared her words of wisdom with me. She reframed her thoughts about food. Food is either useful or not. Simple. (BTW, Dana can be reached at fitness@bodyoffitness.com)

Now, addictions are really tough but when the addictive substance is something we must deal with or die – it makes it that much more difficult. For instance, an alcoholic can abstain from alcohol and a drug user can abstain from drugs – not saying it is easy – just saying the addict can live without their addictive substance. But Food Addictions/Issues are not avoidable. A person who is a compulsive eater or has some other foodie issue cannot just avoid food and go on with life. The issue is all very complicated and deep-seated in our minds. Having battled food issues myself – it is a power struggle in many ways. It is truly a mind-game with yourself and with others. But the good news is that it is conquerable.

Of course, this all got me thinking…

Aren’t our thoughts something like food addictions? We have to deal with thoughts – we can’t live without them. And don’t our Fear Fences and Paralyzing Plateaus feel much like facing the powerful gripping presence that tries to rule our actions? Even if we really want to do something – like pursue our dreams or try a new business idea or even just walk into a new place alone – we can be so controlled by our fears and negative thoughts that we forego the possible positives to alleviate the pressurized tension that the opportunity presented. We may even experience momentary relief and rationalize the relief reaction as a sign that the opportunity really wasn’t worth pursuing. But in reality, especially when the opportunity is in line with our own values and purpose – we eventually experience regret and maybe even self-disgust at being such a coward. A very vicious cycle of deteriorating self-esteem can result. Much like – in my opinion – what happens to people at the hands of a skilled abuser – we become our own abuser – self-destructive and less “In-power-meant.” We usually don’t even recognize it because it is subtle and takes awhile to work a noticeable destruction in our lives. Ever think,

“I remember when I used to be able to ________ and now I would not even consider it.”

Maybe it is time to take stock of what is going on in our heads:

• Have we settled?
• Have we allowed the pressures of conforming to being an adult or older or respectable made us meek?
• Have we given up on our own wants and desires to take care of everyone else’s?
• What has happened and how did we allow it?

The good news is you can take back your life in whatever area you desire. You can overcome your Fear Fences and Paralyzing Plateaus. You can overcome addictive self-destruction. Take it from the girl who would down 20 Chicken McNuggets, a Hot-fudge Ice Cream Cake and a huge Stromboli in a matter of minutes and proudly laugh about it (much to the horror of her boyfriend at the time). You can overcome whatever is messing with your head – even when it is you. Just remember Dana’s words of wisdom – is this useful or not?

So check your self thoughts – Is it time for an intervention?

See ya’ down the trail!

 

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Recent Posts

• Don’t Just Make Another Resolution: Make a Commitment – to Yourself!
• Relationships and Connections – Stay True to Your Own Brand
• What Do You Say to Naysayers?
• Resilience – Are you a Duck or a Brick?
• Check your Self Thoughts. Is it Time for an Intervention?