We are a lot like horses. Sometimes we are certain we are going along the right path and fight to stay on it even though we would do better or be happier by changing direction.
We are like the stubborn horse with his teeth clamped down on the bit, nose thrust forward, plowing headlong in a specific direction – ignoring the increasingly frantic “cues” from our “rider.”
The rider will resort to much more drastic methods to try to communicate or just eventually give up on the horse.
We humans can ignore cues as well. Whether these cues come from God, Allah, the Universe or our own instincts, we all get that “little voice” or feeling that is trying to tell us something. When we ignore our cues, we can usually look back on a situation and pinpoint the moment when we knew we should have turned or corrected our direction. Sometimes these cues are subtle, like that little constriction in your stomach – that “gut-feeling” about something someone says or does. Sometimes these cues are much more intense – like that voice screaming inside your head “Don’t do it!”
When we relentlessly plow on our same trail, ignoring our cues, or are convinced we are too weak or too comfortable to make a change – that is when we have to learn our “lesson” the hard way and end up very unhappy.
I’ll share how I did this, with a very personal story:
I met a handsome, funny man. On our first meeting, we ended up talking all night in a coffee shop – ignored cue: a little inkling of something… not sure… maybe distrust? Of course, I explained it away by my being tired and wanting to leave but didn’t want to be rude and he seemed to need to talk. He being a male stranger, I was certain my guard was just too high. I was living in Detroit after all.
The relationship progressed as I allowed him around me – or rather wasn’t “mean” enough, or didn’t have enough of my own direction and purpose to give me a reason to turn him away. When my “cues” flew up, I – with the help of my new beau – explained them away. Just as a trainer can settle a nervous green horse, the correct hot buttons can be pushed or the correct rationale can be deployed to calm a situation. When the idea of marriage was brought up – I about choked but figured we could have a long engagement giving me time to really decide and to jump ship if necessary. I said two years, he insisted that he had the perfect time that fit into “our” plans …
“Besides, your mother loves me and deserves to quit having to worry about taking care of her baby. That’s my job now.”
Huge hot button for me – I LOVED my mother SO MUCH!
My warning bells were now louder. I fought them …
“Well, Janus, you are getting older… and Mom probably is sick of having to worry about you… and marriage isn’t so bad… love doesn’t have to be intense… maybe the love will grow… and he seems to be a really wonderful man… fawns over you in public… so protective… and Mom seems to like him… it really probably is the most practical thing to do… It’s not like you have any other great plans…”
On the day of our OUTDOOR Wedding (we met in April and the wedding was in September of that same year), the floodgates of the sky opened up with a vengeance. (cue?) I had bridesmaids running through the rain – getting soaking wet – dragging chairs into the pole barn that (thankfully) had been cleaned up and decorated to be the dance floor for the reception. My neighbor, Mike, had made a beautiful arch for the “alter” area and that was digging up the ground as it was mercilessly plowing toward the new “church.”
It continued to pour rain – hard! (cue?)
His family all stayed in their cars, waiting for the rain to subside – for an uncomfortably long time. They had driven up from Detroit in all their finery and were waiting patiently?
The Priest, Father Joe Fix, was impatient to get started – The Notre Dame game was on soon! My rather estranged father (my husband-to-be was gracious and allowed him to come to give me away) burst through the doorway to encourage me to hurry up and get on with the show… we were already running over an hour late. (cue?)
There was a bit of a break in the rain…
With cold feet but a determined resolve – I turned to face him, to smile and take his arm, but immediately burst into sobbing tears. (cue?) (And I think I scared him.)
“You don’t have to do this…”
Gulp, choke, snort… “yeah, I do…” Baaaaahhhh!
The cute little soon-to-be-niece-in-law picked up the beautiful train of the only wedding dress I had had the courage to try on before running from the shop (thus, it had to be altered down three sizes) and my father held tightly to me and the three of us struggled from the house through the large yard to the barn while I tried to gain control of myself. (Thank goodness for veils.)
I bawled through most of the ceremony. Father Joe took pity on me and didn’t make me say much as he pointed out to the crowd that the bride was a bit shaky and emotional (maybe really panic-stricken or maybe resigned to my fate?)
Got through the wedding ceremony, the rain had let up but the clouds continued to threaten. We ate under what used to be a pretty white tent, took pictures, and as I was finally calming down and wanting to mingle and relax when my new husband reminded me that we needed to get going so we could reach Lake Michigan for a romantic sunset. I was reluctantly persuaded to leave my friends and family…
OH, NO! Father Joe left without signing the marriage license! (now really, isn’t that a HUGE cue?)
We stayed in town for our first night as a married couple – both so exhausted and worn out that we were like horses – rode hard and put up wet – so no romance whatsoever that night… (another cue?) We made it to Father Joe’s Church the next morning to catch him after mass. I again burst into tears and quietly cried through the entire service.
My new husband commented to the folks in the pews around us:
“This is my wife, Janus. She’s a little emotional as we just got married. She’s just so happy…”
Long story short – the license got signed, I struggled to ignore all the now VERY non-subtle cues, escaped within five years, and lost A LOT in the process through the divorce. He went on to bigger and better, so I’m sure he is much happier without me. I don’t begrudge him a bit (now) as I recognize my own lack of “self-empowerment”.
I can look back and laugh now after kicking myself for a long time (especially when I learned on Mother’s death bed that she never trusted him.)
I learned some greatly engrained lessons – particularly, Listen to Your Cues! (Instincts, Little Voice, Gut Feelings, Communications from God, whatever you choose to call them)
So I share this rather personal story to show how “silly” we can be when we do not take control of our own lives and merely go along for the ride. So what is your little voice saying to you – or screaming at you? Is it time to make a change for the better in some part of YOUR life? Maybe in your job? Or career path? Are you making choices that lead to a feeling of personal success? I hope you “GET IT” a lot quicker than I did! 🙂
See You Down the Trail!
